Behind Closed Doors: Unveiling Domestic Violence

In this powerful and enlightening episode of Girl Tawk, join host Melissa Ann and her special guests, Dr. Kelley, a trauma-focused therapist, and Anissa Blair, a passionate trauma coach, as they discuss the critical topic of domestic violence.

The conversation covers essential aspects such as identifying red flags, understanding trauma bonds, and the challenges victims face when attempting to leave abusive relationships. Both guests share expert advice on creating safety plans, the importance of financial independence, and the insidious nature of love bombing in abusive dynamics.

This episode aims to empower and inform viewers about the realities of domestic violence while offering practical steps for those affected to seek help and support.


Due to the sensitive nature of the discussion, viewer discretion is advised.

00:00 Content Warning and Introduction
00:45 Welcome and Guest Introductions
01:00 Understanding Domestic Violence
04:04 Misconceptions and Addictive Nature of Abuse
05:52 The Why Behind Abuse
09:22 Gradual Escalation and Love Bombing
13:03 Being Disagreeable and Authentic
19:46 Cultural Influences and Social Media
21:20 Safety Plans and Support Systems
28:10 Final Thoughts and ResourcesThanks for watching.

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Transcript

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CONTENT WARNING! The following episode contains a discussion about Domestic Violence that may be triggering or upsetting for viewers. Viewer Discretion Is Advised. If you or someone you know is in need of help call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-7-9-9-7-2-3-3 that's actually what the love bombing is meant for as well, is to collect information. Because during love bombing, they're just listening to everything. They're such good listeners, and they want to know everything about you. But it's also so that they can employ those insecurities at times where they're just trying to help you improve. Or be a better version of yourself, or don't you love me, those kind of acts. Welcome to Girl Talk with Melissa Anne and today I have some wonderful guests. I have a trauma coach as well as a trauma therapist with me today. Both are familiar faces that have been on the podcast. But today we're going to talk about a really serious topic. I think, um, from my lens, I've seen a lot of, I don't know if I want to call it just I don't, I want to say horseplay, but it isn't horseplay, but people not being serious enough about what I'm seeing as far as domestic violence. It is almost like it is a thing that's been being normalized. And I wanted to have this conversation today with these two young ladies, just to help us understand, okay, A, it is not normal. B, what are some of the triggers? And some of the things that you can do to get out of a situation or not even get into situation to begin with. And so this while this is not my wheelhouse, I've never been in that type of situation. I've watched it. Um, my mother was, and we could talk about that as, you know, as we go through the, through the podcast. But first, um, I want you to, to introduce yourselves briefly. I know everyone, you know, if they're following us, they've, they've seen you both before, but briefly introduce yourselves, tell us a little bit about yourselves and we can kick it off with some questions. I'm Dr. Kelly. I've had the honor of talking to Melissa before on Girl Talk, and I'm a local, well, local to Raleigh, uh, trauma focused therapist, yoga teacher, meditation teacher, author, podcaster, professor. Basically, I'm just obsessed with, uh, Self help. Yes. No, no, no. Not superwoman. I wasn't saying that. No, I'm just, I'm really passionate about anything dealing with, uh, mental health and empowerment. Like that's a big part for me is that these conversations should be meant to empower and, um, inform. And so that's why I love that we're having this conversation today. Thank you for having me. And we'll talk about your book as well. And Miss Anissa. Hello people. I am back. Thank you for having me again, Melissa. Um, yes, I am a trauma coach and I've been a trauma coach for about eight years now. I am just as a passionate, or I want to say more passionate than Dr. Kelly when it comes to, um, working with women in particular. I do work with men, but I am passionate about bringing more awareness within the black community to the importance of women. Understanding generational trauma and how to move past it because we have to understand that our experiences are a direct correlation to the decisions that we're making as adults. And we have to stop that cycle of abuse at some point in time. So yes, I am passionate about that. I am a, obviously a coach and a published author as well. And I just love working with people. awesome, well, let's dig right in. So from your lens, I'm sure that you guys are work with women or even men that have been in a DV situation. What do you find are some of the misconceptions surrounding domestic violence? So, as far as one of the biggest misconceptions that I can gather would be that it's easy to leave and that people should just do it. I think that understanding the addictive nature of the Uh, of a domestic violent, um, or the addictive nature of an abusive relationship. And what I mean by that is that our brain becomes normalized to this intermittent reward that can happen when you go through the cycle of abuse. So you have this mounting tension and then a situation arises, whether it be physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and then there's this resolving and then the repair. And the repair is so. So incredibly affirming for the brain, the amount of dopamine that is released during repair is enough to keep people bonded. And so these trauma bonds can happen. And they're, it's almost like a slot machine where we get more of that reward from not knowing when we're going to get the positive outcome we want. And so there's an actual addictive nature to these trauma bonds. That's not even to say the whole practicality of finances, power, um, safety. Children, um, access to services. So we've got these two things at play with not having enough supports for people to leave and then not respecting the addictive nature that these relationships can have. And I see where, you know, it's like anything else when you say addiction, right? Anything else, you know, alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, whatever it is that's it's sex, that's addicting. But what I can't seem to, to wrap my hands around or my, the thought process around is the why, you know, a man or a woman feels like they have the right. That's it. To, you know, lay hands on someone in any given situation. I was, you know, many, many years ago, I was in, at a hotel and I could hear someone being abused and I called security, but security, you know, they wouldn't knock on the door. They wouldn't go in, they just, you know, standing there listening. I'm like, well, aren't you going to do something? Mm hmm. And you know, and they didn't and it was just It bothered me because I could hear the the stress or the distress in that young woman. So what is it that What's the why behind it I think from what I've experienced with some of my clients is that they typically have come from an environment or a past where they've seen it before. And it becomes part of, I don't want to say acceptable, but it becomes For lack of a better word, the norm of what they've seen growing up. So they think that those struggles or those bouts of violence are acceptable. And then they, they take it a step further and think that that is the, the blueprint for future relationships because they think that's the sign of love. That's a sign of attention. Um, and that, that, in that way that abuse becomes normalized and to a certain extent, what I've seen in my experience is when, when women get away from that environment and then they meet someone who is not like that, that attraction to that other individual is not as strong because they're not displaying those type of habits and behaviors that they've been used to all their lives. while. I would agree absolutely with what Anissa is saying, and it has to do also with our nervous systems, where if you are, it's, in my first book, What I Wish I Knew, I talked about the frog, how they, how they, I don't know if anyone knows how they kill frogs, but if you throw a frog into a boiling pot, it jumps right out. But if you put a frog in tepid water and slowly raise the temperature, it doesn't know what's happening, and that's how they successfully. You know, kill frogs And it's kind of a similar thing with our nervous system. If abuse or behaviors that are harmful are so outside the norm, as you're saying, Anissa, something that you didn't grow up around or that you weren't normalized to, it's shocking to your system and you notice it and you're, this is not okay. But if it's something that your nervous system has become acclimated to, those same bells and whistles are not going to go off as soon as. They should, and that's where the, the trauma bond can come in and get someone into that cognitive dissonance where you, you have morally one thought, I'm a strong woman or I'm a strong man and I deserve to be treated well. But then, Your feelings are how do I leave this person? It's so it's so hard What are some of the like, And, and I don't say men or women because I know it's both, right? So how do you, how do they get women or how do they get the, their victim pulled in? Like they're not, you know, automatically starting at that level. How do they get them pulled in? Well, it normally starts very subtle, um, and it kind of escalates from there, so it might be a simple disagreement. Let's just say she puts on an outfit that he may find too revealing or too sexy, right? And it will start off with a very strong urging of to take those clothes off because of the attention, the outside attention that you're going to get. And then it'll build from there to now becoming more intense. And more angry and more aggressive and then that particular aggressive would then start picking apart their victim per se and everything would be scrutinized and under the back under the magnifying glass. Both of you made such a good point too about the the kind of gradual, um increase and I think one of the things too to consider is the mechanism of love bombing that it serves a purpose for bonding And love bombing for your listeners Probably heard this term before, but essentially it's this influx of adoration and it could look like gift giving. It can look like lots of attention. And what happens in these situations is that you become. Hooked on the other person much quicker than maybe the relationship warrants. And so when there's these gradual pullbacks of love and you want to work to get it back, that's when that cycle of abuse starts. And those, as Anissa was saying, it's almost like an experimentation at first. If it's someone who's a narcissist or who's abusive, they're going to see what they can get away with. I was going to say, they test, they test the waters. Absolutely. That is sick. Like, you, you're, you're, you test in the waters and see, okay, is she actually the type of person that I can get away with? If not, I don't want to do a deal with that person. I'll go about it like fishing. Think about like going fishing. Right. You cast your, you cast your reel out, you've put your, you put your bait on, but, and you're sitting there and nothing's biting. So what are you going to obviously do? You're going to move to another spot. So that's what they tend to do. They move around until they find that spot, that perfect storm of a woman who is already struggling with her own self value, her self worth. And they monopolize on it because in their own way, they feel like they're doing you a service. By correcting your wrongs or by bringing forth things that you need to do to be better at or do differently. You bring up such a good point, too, about, um, they will use, and that's actually what the love bombing is meant for as well, is to collect information. Because during love bombing, they're just listening to everything. They're such good listeners, and they want to know everything about you. But it's also so that they can employ those insecurities at times where they're just trying to help you improve. Or be a better version of yourself, or don't you love me, those kind of acts. So you bring up a really good point with that. Um, and I, I want to reiterate one thing, because we've been talking about women as opposed to men. Research shows that men are equally abused emotionally, so I want to make hmm. that, you know, we're clear that the, the stats are pretty equal, um, between genders. Physical abuse and sexual abuse does err about a third more towards women, which makes a lot of unfortunate sense. Um, but that being said, that phishing portion, I know you asked us, like, how do we keep this from happening? I always encourage people to lean into disagreeability. The more holistically disagreeable you are because you are being your authentic self, the less likely the hook is going to catch you. Mm hmm. Double click there. You know, what are some of the steps? On how to be a disagreeable person. And I'm asking this because, A, I understand that men are probably in this pool of individuals too, but this podcast is girl talk, so we're Yes. focused on, on the women, unfortunately, sorry, men. But, um, the, you know, understanding, like, how do you be disagreeable? Because in the, in society. Let's be honest, women are kind of, you know, they want a mate and there's not a large pool. And so being disagreeable doesn't make you someone that is attractive Well, that's the fine line with dating. You're already, when you're meeting someone for the first time, you're already sending your representative anyway, because you're not, you've gotten your walls up and you, you're going to let your, you know, you're going to let your wall down a little bit at a time. But instead of being purposely disagreeable, Make sure that you have, that your opinion is valued and that is going to obviously, hopefully, if you're in tune with yourself, now, if you're coming from a perspective of a woman who has had abuse in the past or have other feelings of low self esteem or insecurities, then, She's naturally going to veer in the direction of trying to be a pleaser because she's trying to in this case hook that man But I I'm all for being authentic and not purposely disagreeable But understanding that what you say does have value and go into it with confidence that you know I can take this or I can leave this, you know I'm bringing just as much to the plate as he may be bringing to the plate So we got to figure out how, cause we're both 50 50 in this, how this relationship is going to be beneficial for both of us and not just one or the other I love the way you put that because I think when I bring up disagreeability with some folks, they think it means just being difficult, but it doesn't. It means listening to your authentic voice and making sure that's the voice that's speaking. Mm So not the impersonator. Transcripts provided especially women where we don't, We're not collecting bodies, meaning we're just not meeting these random men and everyone we see we're destined to be in this forever after relationship with them. Right. And just take things for what they worth. Look at, take face value for what it is. And I don't like to use the word red flags cause it's probably over overused. But when you see those signs that, uh, He said something that I didn't like or, uh, he did something that doesn't feel good to me. You got to recognize that and be prepared to run. Don't always be on this tip of wanting to constantly compromise with people who aren't doing the same for you. think that's a, you know, a valid, a valid response as well because we ignore red flags because We want to say, I could change him, Oh, we want a man. we want a man, but I can't fix that. You know, he yelled at me on the first date. That's okay. Yeah. He was just We don't wanna think that way though., that's dangerous for sure. I can know for me personally with my trauma, I had a string of bad relationships and what I found was That crazy enough, I tended to always go into it where I, I want to fix them. I want to make them better. And I was putting up with a whole bunch of shit that was never meant to be a part of my story, but because of my trauma and I didn't want anyone to feel what I felt, I overcompensated in my relationships by giving too much of a Vanessa and not and ignoring the telltale signs that this might not be the guy for you. So I would make up excuses, you know, like you said, if he, if he yelled at me or if he was, you know, maybe grab my arm a little tighter than what I would be comfortable with, well, you know, he had a bad day at work or, you know, money is tight or, you know, all these different scenarios that he didn't even have to give, give me an excuse. I gave him excuse often, you know, off the job because I wanted to, fix it. I think to, I don't know, and I'll go back to what my original statement is. Um, and I'll caveat it with this, like my mother was a product of domestic violence. Um, I, I saw a few fights, but my siblings had the brunt of it. Um, but her, she told me that when she got married. Her mother told her she went home to her mother because my dad was hitting her. And her mother was like, that's what men do go back home. Oh gosh. So, you know, that was probably in, you know, in the forties, right? And I'm wondering, you know, it probably was normal back then that women had to be subservient, but I'm seeing a shift now. Where it just seems like these men think it's okay to put hands on somebody's child Like and it is bothering me What do you guys think the shift is? So you're asking if instead of having hands on partners it's hands on No, no, no i'm saying Is starting You're you're you're hitting a woman. That's some that's somebody's baby. You know i'm saying that. Yeah Okay. Thank you. Okay um, well, I mean I I don't know if it's shifting towards it being okay. I think that I in my opinion, I think it's being highlighted more I think something that was happening behind closed doors You um Is coming out behind those doors a little bit more and more people, I mean, I think about the Me Too movement for instance, more people are saying, guess what, this has been happening all along and we've been ignoring it. Anissa, going a different direction only because What this This is what i'm seeing now because I have two daughters that are teenagers are in high school And i'm seeing firsthand As what you were referring to melissa this I don't know if the word shift is the right word where everything now is happening earlier than what we grew up seeing. So for example, now you have high school boys that will, will physically abuse their girlfriends, verbally abuse their girlfriends. And what I've seen is the correlation with cultural, the cultural differences and believe it or not, social media. Is a huge one and music. I know no one wants to talk about music and, but especially in the black community, music plays a huge role in, our children's lives and how they respond or lack thereof to situations that are happening and what they're seeing now on social media platforms, like TikTok, like Instagram, that this stuff is to a certain extent, glamorized on both ends. Not just the, the, the man abusing the woman or the boy abusing the girl, but vice versa. And it becomes this, this kind of almost laughable thing that this is just what it's supposed to be like. This is just, this is just how it is. And it's part of relationships and love., Dr. Kelly, as we round out the conversation. Um, and then I'll give you an opportunity to, Anissa, but, you know, what do you, from utilizing your book, you know, talk a little bit about your book, um, as it references domestic violence, but, you know, what message would you give to those who are silently suffering for domestic violence? that you and I first spoke about was the Gaslighting Recovery for Women, but I actually kind of want to highlight my first book even more so the one I'm talking about. Uh huh. Yeah, because so what I wish I knew surviving and thriving after an abusive relationship was co authored with a survivor of DV who was in a very violent, dangerous, um, relationship. relationship, and she got out and is thriving today, but one of the biggest things that happened in her story that is the most terrifying is that she attempted to leave the By herself without backup and without a safety plan put in place and it resulted in a violent outcome and if she would have, could have had people having these kind of conversations and she had thought to herself, maybe I do need to talk to a support person and it's okay. I don't need to carry the shame around this relationship. I have a right for support. And that. On the converse, if you're having someone come to you and they're telling you they're in this kind of relationship, please do not judge them, please do not shame them, and be holistically there for them, so that when they are ready to leave, because if they tell you they're in this kind of relationship, they might not be ready to leave right away. And pressuring them and shaming them is not going to make them leave sooner. But letting them know, I am here when you are ready, no matter what, is very important. And if she had even just had the cops go with her or her cousin that she had spoken about in the book, I don't think it would have resulted in her almost being strangled to death, which is what happened. And so the biggest thing is know that a safety plan, which I have available on my website and it's available in the book, a safety plan is crucial. If you don't have a therapist. You can go through it with a pastor, a spiritual leader, a family member that you feel trusting to talk to, or even sitting down with yourself and doing it, um, but ideally support and reducing the shame around having these conversations and not pointing fingers. Absolutely. Anything you want to add, Anissa? Anissa. No, I No, I think, I think Dr. Kelly hit it. I mean, for that. when you're, when you're ready to make that move, it's the, this most scariest thing that you can ever even imagine because one, you already have this induced fear of be really leaving, right? Even though, you know, the situation is not conducive to your life. You still have this, tug of war with your heart with this person that you're in love with for whatever reason. So when you make that move, you've got to be really clear that you're ready to go. And the safety plan is there. Number one, you, you gotta have a plan. And I say all the time, pray and pack, you gotta get That's a good way to put it. Yeah, but you gotta, you gotta have a plan. If you don't have a plan, most of the time you're going to fail because now you just, you know, you have this argument and now you just throw him stuff in a bag and you're ready to go and you have no idea. Where you're going, going, who you're who you're going with, even if you have the financial means, because most of the time what I'm seeing with some of the people that I work with is that the person that they've invested all this time with is also controlling the finances. So you don't have the capabilities to just jump in your car and move to another state or grab the kids and go. It's a little more complicated. than that. So you've got to first get to that point where you're done when you really feel like your safety, your life lives of your Children, if that's the case, is at risk. And then you've got to start in the on the back end. Generating your plan blame. Yeah. Pack and pray. I like it. I think too, like, I just want to clarify. Again, I haven't been in the situation, but, um, you know, you're saying make sure your finances, but I would think that. If. You would want your safety over the finances piece like you could Well, you gotta, you can't have one without the other, or you're going to be back. Are you going to end up back in that same But aren't there resources like you could go to shelters, etc. That'll help you I had a woman that she, she was aware of all of that. She did not feel comfortable enough, especially with her children. Even though, of course, here in Atlanta, we have, um, shelters that are designated just for women and children. But what, you know, when we, her and I were creating the safety plan, what she was. Finding out was that they didn't have any space. They were already at capacity and she was in a state where she, she had absolutely no family, so she had no one really to lean on to say, okay, me and the kids are gonna go stay with you for a little while. So she had to get a plan in place to get out of the state, because where we were li where she was living, there wasn't an option. And you just don't wanna just pack and go to, to a shelter because sometimes you're, you're introducing a whole other set of problems that you're not. ready for. okay, I, I very much agree with Anissa because, uh, financial abuse is one of the most impactful to make someone feel, uh, a lack of safety because it's not just what am I going to do this week or this month when I get out, it's, but what am I going to do in the long run? So if you're in a relationship and the person you're with is not Empowering you to have your own account or to have your own financial, uh, freedom and they're making all the decisions. It might look like they're trying to just be helpful, but if it. also aligns with other potentially abusive behaviors. That's a red flag and it's not always conducive. You could have someone who even has a beloved pet that they don't feel like they want to leave because they're afraid that their abuser is going to kill their pet, honestly. And so there are agencies that will help, um, individuals get out with their pets even. So there's so many factors at play with leaving. That, um, I completely agree that having, I mean, even thinking about like a go bag is what it's often called, um, and just having that at the ready, um, and that includes things like knowing what to do financially. It's unfortunate, but it's definitely a big part of Yeah. well, listen, I've had an awesome time talking to you too. I've learned a ton. Um, I think this is an important topic. I'd love to double click on it on a larger scale. So maybe we could talk about it at another, um, time. Um, but I do want to make sure that everyone that is listening today understands a how to get in contact with you and any, um, books that you have that will help you. These women, or even men, we'll give you that today, men, um, you know, be, um, better themselves and empower themselves. So last few, two minutes we have. So give each of you a minute. Well, as you know, um, I do have a ebook called the faces of trauma and a lot of time I did that with the emphasis of people don't recognize what trauma is. They think that it only relates to the trauma. sexual abuse, but trauma could be difficulty with infertility as you were speaking of Dr. Kelly. So it can, it is a gamut of things and people have to understand that trauma looks different for everyone. So what might be traumatizing for me may not hit your Richter scale of trauma for Melissa or Dr. Kelly. So I have that book. And I also have, uh, fiction books that, where I took, uh, Characters, excuse me, characters with trauma to shoot, to give you the details of how that looks. And of course, ultimately the outcome of how they got over it. And that book is called Invisible Lives. And the third book is called Chasing Happily Ever After. You can go to my website, which is blendedlikeuscoaching. com. And those books are available either on Barnes and Noble or on Amazon. Very good. All right, Dr. Kelly, one minute. Okay, so I've got a couple books, but the two that apply today, um, we've got the What I Wish I Knew, Surviving and Thriving After an Abusive Relationship, it's available wherever books are sold, um, and it just came out on Audible a couple months ago. So it's actually myself and Kendall Ann reading, and I was so proud of her for doing this because it was not easy. I mean, she. Really struggled getting through retelling her story and the emotion of it is in her voice And so if you really want the impact but also the ability to listen to a story that if you're in this situation You might not feel safe carrying a book around that shows what you're reading about Having it virtual or on Kindle, which it's also available can be a good resource Um, and then the other one is right up here if people are watching, um, Gaslighting Recovery for Women. And, I am so proud of this book, um, I'm just thrilled with the people that have been helped by it. And it doesn't just talk about abusive relationships and how to get out of a gaslighting, uh, relationship that is romantic or interpersonal, but I also cover things like societal gaslighting, um, Um, medical gaslighting, uh, structural gaslighting. So kind of like, what is it? How do you identify it? How do you thrive after? Um, and then you can find me on my website, ameliakelly. com. That's Kelly with an E Y and I'm pretty active. I would say my Instagram is where I'm absolutely the most active. And then my podcast, the sensitivity doctors, which I would love to chat with you ladies on actually. So we'll have to chat about that after this. Yes, I'd love to. Okay, well, this has been an awesome conversation. We hope that you've gotten something out of it. And if you are in a situation where you are being abused, please make sure that you're getting help. But I think the after effect is once you've gotten out of it, uh, we didn't talk about it is you definitely need therapy, right? Or a coach to walk you, get you back healthy again. And so you have two ladies here who can help you do that. But first and foremost, let's get you out of any situation that you may be in. Um, as always, I see you because I am you.