Are You A Victim Or A Victor?

In this episode, Melissa Ann and her guest Ki delve into the transformative journey from embracing a victim mentality to becoming a victor in life.

Melissa reflects on the season's themes, including accountability, the 80/20 rule, and overcoming personal challenges. Ki shares his personal story of growth from a challenging childhood, dropping out of high school, and then ascending to success through introspection, hard work, and therapy. The discussion covers the importance of self-awareness, seeking help, and the pivotal role of education and community support in breaking cycles of negativity.

The episode emphasizes the power of resilience, the impact of mentorship, and the necessity of continuous learning and giving back to achieve lasting success and fulfillment.

00:00 Breaking Free from Victim Mentality
00:23 Season Finale Reflections: From Victim to Victor
03:28 Personal Journey: Overcoming Adversity and Finding Success
08:28 The Power of Therapy and Self-Reflection
24:01 Creating a Legacy Through Giving Back
30:33 Embracing Technology and Preparing for the Future
32:33 Concluding Thoughts: Moving from Victim to VictorResources Mentioned

The Meaningful Power Foundation
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/meaningpowerfdn/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/meaningfulpower

David Goggins: Can't Hurt Me
Elizabeth Leiba: I'm Not Yelling
Kyndall Bennett: She's Meant to Lead

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Transcript

0:00

when you're in that victim mentality You don't want to look at yourself. You want to look all Around you. That person did that and this person did that and this person did that to me and this person did that to me. But the common freaking denominator is you. Hey everybody, it's your girl Melissa Anne and I wanted to pop in before I show you the last episode of the season where we're talking about being a victim or a victor. Just closing out, I can't believe the season is already closing, but I started off this season talking about five things my therapist has taught me and through that I weaved in some guests that were able to add to the conversation. I talked about, you know, the 80 20 rule. 80 percent could be some someone else, 20 percent is you. And then that part laid into, you know, backpack carrying some things in your backpack and perhaps you not, you know, you're not wanting to admit it, but Part of you is a problem, right? You're, you're carrying this baggage and then it translates into a trigger that someone else may, get the brunt of it and then there, there causes some issues. So we talked about some of that. We talked about gaslighting, and what that does for women and, and how we can avoid it. We talked about, you know, letting go of your shit, you know, getting rid of some of the things that are weighing you down, similar to, you know, carrying those things in your backpack. But what are some of the things that we overload ourselves with that lead up to Us being a victim versus a victor. And I think I'll close out this, this season talking about just that. One of the first things that we had to discuss was me not being the victim, but a victor, how do you make that transition? And it's very easy to point fingers. It's very easy to keep things and make excuses for why things are happening to you. But how do you change that to becoming a victor versus a victim? Because it's very easy to be a victim and stay in mess and stay, you know, I don't know, some people self medicate, some people do harm to themselves. Some people do a number of things while you're starting, still being a, a victim and holding onto a victim mentality. But it takes a lot of guts to move away from that. And become a victor. So making sure that you're transitioning from Victum to Victur is what Kai and I are going to talk about in this next episode. So see you next season and thank you for tuning in and as always I see you because I am you. I've lived a lot of what we talk about today and so it is an opportunity for us to get together, talk about, and have someone that really understands what it is you're going through. Enjoy the episode. What we do want to talk about is Being a victim versus a victor and what I mean by that is sometimes we take our circumstances and we We exasperate and we grow them instead of figuring out how do we move Out of that victim mentality and i'm i'm guilty of it as well. There's a lot sometimes there's a woe is me mentality that I have when things aren't going my way But I I keep going And You know there you come to the other side but in the middle You know There are trials, and I think what I wanted to talk about tonight was, you know, you are a successful individual. There are many successful individuals in your circle and in my circle as well, but you didn't start that way. So what. You know, if you want to talk a little bit about. Where you started, how you got there, what mentality do you. as kazoo take to keep going to get to your end game Oh yeah. I don't even think we have enough time on this one for this baby. I'm gonna give you, to get the, I'm gonna give everybody Cliff notes condensed version. Yeah. I'm gonna give you the, the, the chat GPT version. So, you know, I, I wasn't born. And raised in Bel Air. I was raised in the hood in Brooklyn. Family dynamics was not great at all, you know, honestly speaking, and that created trauma in my life. It also created me, and I just, I'm gonna share the mantra I created for myself. So because the relationship with my mother wasn't there, and that's a whole nother story. She had to work. She had three kids she had to support, but as a kid growing up, I didn't see it that way. I just saw that She's always gone. I didn't see that. She had to make ends meet for us. Otherwise we will be homeless. Right, see what I'm saying? So in my mind, I created this scenario that, you know what, if I can't depend on her, I can't depend on no woman. So I'm going to learn to cook, clean, do laundry. So I won't ever have to depend on a woman for anything. So that became part of my life schema. So imagine being a man with that schema, trying to have a successful dating life, a right, successful marriage. right You know, so I had to break out of that. Then you layer on top of that. I was a high school dropout. So then I thought I was dumb. really you you dropped out of high school at what age Really I went all the way to the 12th grade and left. and why? I just, you know, I had a kid when I was in New York and high school, I had a kid and I just, there was too much pressure. It was a lot of pressure being 17 years old with a kid. And then you can't depend on women for anything. So, you know, what are you, you know, so I joined the military and they signed, I scored so high on the ASVAB that I can work on F 14 Tomcats, the airplanes that you see in Top Gun. And I still couldn't see the fact that, dude, you're not dumb because you dropped out of high school. Isn't that weird how you don't see what others see in you? It helps to have cheerleaders. That's the difference. I think that's the difference between a kid growing up like me, who had to kind of figure it out on his own school of hard knocks learning, you know, Versus somebody who has people around them pouring that into them. That's what we do on our nonprofit. Me and Darwin, Detroit, we pour into those kids, let them know how smart they are, how amazing they are so that they don't have to struggle like we did. Yeah. And that's important because I think, you know, that, you know, for me growing up, I don't think I had the, I wasn't, no one poured into me. So you, you get lower, you get very low self esteem. So you don't really know how intelligent you are. how good you are at what you do. And so you're always second guessing yourself and it doesn't help that, you know, society does see what's in you and tries to put their foot on your neck because they don't want you to succeed as well. So you still carry that. Okay. Maybe I'm not, maybe it was me. Maybe I'm not as good as I should be. Okay. What do you think from that lens? How do you, you know, tell people to overcome that? So for me, it was, I'll tell you a story. I was, I went to North Carolina, A& T, Aggie pride, and I was walking on campus. And, you know, out of that mantra about not depending on women for anything, came another schema that said, all women are crazy. I literally had that as part of my schema as well. So I'm walking on campus now and, you know, God, is every woman crazy? I said, that can't be true because to every, you know, division, there's a common denominator, Right. when you're doing fractions. And that common denominator was me. I had to start looking at me because you're going through women and they all crazy. Then, you know, I don't believe in this whole thing about law of attraction. I believe in choice. I was choosing to not be a person that they probably could relate to. Then if I'm broken and they're broken, you know, using that term for lack of better term, Two broken people can't make a whole relationship, Well, that's the reality is brokenness. But here's the key. I had to reflect introspectively in that moment when I thought that I can't do this alone. I'm going to go to therapy. I could have challenged myself on that. You don't need therapy. I said, nope. It went back to a conversation that I had. With a, with a white coworker years ago in Greensboro, North Carolina, at a pizza shop called Elizabeth's pizza. This dude would put crushed red peppers and cover his whole slice. So you couldn't even see the cheese, And he liked it. man. And then he would ask me that I want some crushed red pepper. I was like, nah, just the smell alone. I'm good, bro. So listen, he said to me, you know what, Ki, therapy really saved my marriage. And I was like, really, why do you say that? And he said, because it really helped me and my wife see things from different perspectives. Not perceptions, perspectives. Right. And then he went on to say some other things and I don't remember, but that part stuck with me that this guy was willing to share that personal piece of his life with me, like we were talking about the Superbowl that happened on Sunday, that's how open he was. So that part struck me. And then the fact that. He said it saved his marriage. So when I had that moment, I was at that crossroad moment where auntie's camp is walking. I had to make a choice at that point. Do I talk myself out of it and continue the path I was going or do I try something new to see if that works? So I chose to toss, turn, try something new, which was So you were, you, when you said you got to that moment, right. Where, you know, he said therapy saved his marriage because you learned different perspectives. And by the way, I took a, just a, A, a class on communication on conversations and communication, and it says the same thing, you know, a big part of even relationships is the way you communicate, which we talk about a lot here on this, but with the, you know, prior to that, you were saying, you learn not to depend on women. So, where you. Just like did you have a wall up with women? Obviously you were dating, but you just were dating You were dating to date not dating to marry I would say I was dating, but it would, at that time it was, I can't recall whether or not I was dating just a date or date, because you know, I was married. I was married twice. Come out of my first marriage, you know, all I knew was marriage. So long term relationship to long term relationship all failed. Why? So I had to start looking at myself because, you know, I didn't want to continue like that. Right, that's the hard part for people right when you're in that victim mentality You don't want to look at yourself You want to look all Around you that person did that and this person did that and this person did that to me and this person did that to me But the common freaking denominator is you. and the woman in the mirror. Yeah. So I had to make that choice and that was the, one of the best decisions I had. Yeah. And so from that point, because you, you went from, you know, poverty to high school, dropout to go into the military, working on Tomahawks. Tomcats. Oh, We carry tomahawk missiles. Now we, you know, it's funny you say that. We cut, we carry Tomahawk missiles on that airplane. Oh, really? No, we didn't. No, we didn't. Phoenix missiles, Like we getting all like, Phoenix, Phoenix Akuna Matata. Just loud And wrong Wow. And wrong boy. You don't know how to spell that. A K U N A. loud and wrong. Like, nah, bruh. It's Hakuna. You went, you know, from that Akuna Matata. To and obviously there's a ton of stuff in between, but I would say that, you know, you are at a point where you are very successful and you're, you're giving, not only giving back, but you found yourself. So how did you do that? A How did I find myself? Well, that was all the comp, you know, all part of the journey. So, number one, being introspective, realizing that you can't keep doing the same thing over and over again. That was that moment I just explained. Therapy, and not just going and using it as a crutch, just to say I go to therapy and black man goes to therapy, got so much therapy, I got notes going all the way back to 2003. nothing wrong, those notes documented in Microsoft OneNote. nothing wrong with 2000, I probably have. I probably would have had more notes. I probably lost some notes prior to That's dope. I started going to therapy. Yeah, no, I had to be around that time because I was on A& T, I was going to A& T. Yeah, so I've been going to therapy for a long time. So all of the learnings I've picked up along the way, all those notes I've taken over the years, I go back to those notes. I journal a lot. There was a point where I was listening to Dr. Miles Monroe, and he always talked about finding your purpose. And then, you know, I knew what my purpose was. My purpose is to tell my story so that others can overcome. And everything that I've learned along the way on how to navigate corporate America and do certain things, technology. I share that throughout nonprofit. Cause I want others to succeed. My legacy is useless. And I want to leave a legacy for my kids and for my family, you know? Oh, you know, here's how I would say it. Some are receiving it and they've taken off, you know, there's a young man. Here in Georgia going to Clark, another young man at, you know, Bowling Green State University. He's like the class president and they, and these, these young men are saying, if it hadn't been for what we were doing, they would have been working at one of the factories, you know, for GM or Chrysler. Now they're in college doing big things on their way, getting master's degrees. Then we bring them back and have them teach so that they can, these kids can see that these are the kids that came through and where they're going. Right. So we just create in this, you know, instead of, you know, we talk about these generational curses. Now we can create these generational wealth of knowledge. generational wealth, Right. right? But again, you have to move out of the victim mentality. Like no one's going to give you anything. They took what you gave them and they made it happen from that. Like you didn't, you can't, you can't, you don't have the bandwidth to handhold them through every step of the process. They took it, they absorbed it, and they moved forward. became victors. That's right. And most people are hungry. And I think that's the difference between how I grew up and what we're able to provide these kids. If I had somebody pouring into me like that, who knows where I would be right now. Maybe instead of overcoming my lack of confidence in my abilities when I was freaking amazing. And I don't say that in a high minded way. I say that. And because I know I've just a smart dude. I mean, you don't go on, you don't drop out of high school and then take the military exam to work on electronics on one of the world's best fighter aircraft, U S military. right. But I couldn't, but no one was saying, God, do you understand what you're doing? Man, you dropped out of high school. Now you're in a military learning arms law and about resistance and electrical theory. And then you apply that to airplanes that pilots get in every day and they put their life in your hands. They trust that what you're doing maintenance wise on these aircraft is sound. When you say thumbs up, they know when they take off, they're coming back unless something else happens. Dumb people don't do that kind of stuff. No, So, you know, you know, you know, it was in therapy where my therapist said that to me. I'm impressed with, engineers period because though you guys, first of all, so analytical, but to be able to put things together, just, I don't know. I'm just very intrigued by engineers. you gotta love this stuff, you remember love yourself. Speeds and feeds and Speeds and feeds. Yeah. You gotta love it though. Just this tech stuff. If you can't just be in it for the money, you gotta love this stuff. I wouldn't, I wouldn't even say tech. I wouldn't say anything. You, you gotta love whatever it is you do. It's just not technology because we didn't grow up on technology. So we didn't know anything about technology from not working on planes, but the way that technology is today. We didn't have those things. So we didn't know anything about that. This thing used to be a satellite, a big box that we used to carry around. Remember that big ass satellite phone from back the big, the, No. Then we went to pages and beepers and all. Now we have this. Yeah. We can do everything from that is a computer, Yes, it is a computer and Steve Jobs had to, you know, the, the genius mentality to create something that would literally change the freaking world. And how do you become that type of person? It's not a with a woe is me mentality. It's what is in me that I have, that I could give the world, whether it's big or whether it's small. If there's a, a progression for my life was a progression. First, it was me getting over my hangups, realizing my hangups weren't weaknesses, but they were actually strengths. Why? Because I overcame them. Because I put in the work. Gotta put in, this is, this is not, you go get a box of Cracker Jacks and opium, you know, remember how you used to get prizes in the Cracker Jacks box? Digging all through the daggone thing. diggin all, well, we've tried to get prizes and peanuts. They never put enough peanuts in that damn Cracker Jack box. Big ass Cracker Jack box, have all that popcorn and like three peanuts. peanut. The peanut's at the bottom and it'd be nice to have. pour it out, it's the little the little shavings from the peanuts, right? So I had to get over that, you know, Mellie Mel, I had to get over that and realize that first of all, dude, you are smart. at all of you. You know, dumb people don't do what you've done in your life. Then it was like, yo, you got to tell this story because how many other people, how many other black young black men are experiencing exactly what you've already experienced that you can pour that into. And if they Yeah. can see another black man who's going through exactly what they're going through, because, because, because one thing no one can tell me now is that you ain't been through. Now, Right. you know, I know what it means to struggle in many different facets, your Well, I think I'm right there with you. you know, I didn't grow up with a silver spoon either, but I don't think, you know, my parents hid it very well. You know, I never went without anything. I was quite spoiled, but they didn't have it. My mom cleaned houses. My dad was a janitor. So, there wasn't, we didn't have a ton of money flowing through that house. So, I think, all of us have a story, but your story is very, very, very unique in that you're still going. So, and what I want. You know, to talk about a little bit is, you know, I heard a long time ago, someone say, there is, you know, the time when you're born. Then there's that, you know, dash in the middle, and then the time that you expire. What does that dash in the middle mean? What would that represent? legacy, What does it mean for you? What did you help people? right? Yeah. So, you said, what does so the leg, so that, that dash means, you know, your We, we are all, We, we all have gifts. Every one of us has a gift and a talent that we're supposed to bring to the world and add value to the world. And if you choose to monetize that gift, you know, great, but it still should add value to the world. We're really supposed to. So my dash is, you know, giving back through what we do with the foundation in Detroit. Telling my story and making sure kids understand that you can do all types of things in technology across all different verticals, healthcare, manufacturing, I. T., STEM, everything we do is STEM related and we teach does that mean for people that technology, engineering, and mathematics. and how would people get engaged? If someone's listening to this and they don't know how to get their kids engaged in programs like that, does that look like? that's the tough part. So we, what we do is we, we leverage social media with the word out. It's all word of mouth and it's been very successful. Leveraging social media to me is one of the greatest inventions ever. The internet. And then social media and how we can proliferate information around the globe and go viral in 24 hours. That's amazing to me, Mm hmm. and that's how we can reach the masses. So meaningful power foundation, meaningful power. org, check us out where we're in Detroit looking at expanding here in Atlanta. We'll be next since I'm here. So I'm ready to get this word out. So that's my legacy. Helping my, first helping my, creating a legacy for my kids and their kids. And then creating this legacy where we can have stories for years to come, where if it wasn't for this foundation, we would've been X, Y, Z, but now we're heading in a different direction. What would you want people to say about Khai And your dash so you're giving, you know, you're giving back and it's incredible meaningful Power Meaningful. The Meaningful Power Foundation, meaningful power.org. org So make sure power.org, but the name of the foundation is the Meaningful Power Foundation. Okay, we'll have it in the in the notes underneath But what would you want them, like, what would you want people to say? Kai was, Kai did, Kai was very genuine and he was all. Genuine and authentic and he was always just a really good friend. Yeah. Yeah. It's real. Yeah, I am real what you see is what you get Yeah, I would want people to say, She wasn't always the best, but she gave her best. So I would give, you know, anyone the shirt off of my back if I have it. I'm willing to help anyone, you know. And, and like you, I've had to, to, there's been bumps in the road and I've had to learn and I'm still learning. I think if you're not still learning, then you're, you're still stuck in a victim mentality and you can only move out of the victim mentality if you continue to learn. And you said something that I didn't touch on, but one of the things you said was you listen to Miles Monroe. And I think that. We get stuck in social media and think that is the book of all things, but we won't really listen to real people giving real advice that you can take and apply to your daily lives. You know, um that that point that period of my life When I was really immersing myself in Dr. Myles Monroe, that was a turning point for me, especially around purpose and really nailing that then really, it really was confirmation for what I already thought in my, my story is now my way to give back and add value and help change lives. Number one, number two, David Goggins can't hurt me. That book was another turning point in my life yeah, to just, you know what? You know, you talk about getting over victimhood, that brother's book. there's some books out now. Like, if you, you know, for women, black women, there is a book called I'm not yelling. Excellent book. Ah, and that book, you each, you know, each page is about, oh, my God, that's me. But it talks about how you overcome it. Like you are not alone in any of the situations that you're in. Other women are going through whatever you think it is that you're going through. Someone else is going through it, but how do you get over it? And you have to pour into yourself by listening to those. There's another book. She's meant to lead. Excellent. You know, these are all things in it that we don't do. Like, we need to research. Social media is not the end all be all. You can get some garbage. I saw some damn garbage on there. A man talking about don't drink no water. Sir, you will die. But we take that stuff and we absorb it like it's the word. Yeah. yeah, so that's the thing about, you know, I did say internet, social media, two of the greatest adventures, dual edge sword, so you have to find balance. And so a lot of, so for instance, you get these text messages with these posts and, did anybody fact check this? Cause this don't even sound right. You know what I mean? And I look it up and lo and behold, you look on Snopes and it's like, Snopes be like, nah, play, play. I play a player. That is not, yeah. So I, I, you know, I get a lot of that stuff, but I, you know, I take it all with a grain of salt. I mean, look at the technology now. You can create high quality videos using AI. So when will it, when does it get to a point to what you see might not ever be right, right, It's not really what you see. So I'm thinking about that's on my mind. What you see is not what you, I freaking was watKing the news and they were talking about there's going to be a whole news channel that's AI. They're not real people. They're new. They're AI. Right. Yeah. So there you have it, folks, start looking at real knowledge and not just these internet posts That's right. Real knowledge and progressing yourself. Like the kids that you're teaKing, you're teaKing them about STEM. You're gonna have to figure out what's next after AI or at least absorb yourself in some pieces of AI because it's not going anywhere. It's only going to get bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger. and smarter. Yes. Yes. We teach all that leading edge science, technology, and Yep. management, programming, networking, cloud computing, statistics. And it's not even code because ChatGPT can do code Can do code now, right? Yeah. But you still need to be able to debug code. Just because ChatGPT writes it doesn't mean it's 100 percent foolproof. So you still need to be able to learn the code and know the principles of coding so you can at least make corrections if there are mistakes. Mm hmm. Yep. on the generative AI to where you just, you know, get a, get a prompt, put in a prompt and get your feedback. And then you just throw it in and you better check it. So what do you want to leave people with today? I want to leave people with this life is going to be full of crossroads and we need to figure out how to make more right choices and wrong choices. Right. If, if, if, for me, I'll give you my example. You know, I kept doing, you know, realizing that my relationships were failing. All the time. And either I could have saved in that mindset that says, Hey, all women are crazy. That's why you don't depend on them. Or, yo, there's a common denominator to this equation. Maybe you need to start looking at you. That's right. So always be self reflective and self aware intro think introspectively, because that's where you're going to find real answers. Unity. That's right. Move from being the victim to the victor using introspection, using knowledge, Using your circle, using your community, we don't use the phrase anymore, it takes a village. Don't We don't use it, we got away from it, but it takes a village, and a village, you need a village. As an individual, you need a personal board of directors. Right? You're on my personal board of directors. But every person has a part to play on your board and you need to meet with them so that you Are moving in the right direction? Versus staying stagnant and that's how you move from victim to victor. You're not gonna get it 100 percent You're not gonna nail it right at first, but you will get there If you put it, if you continue to put it into work, and for those people you're always gonna run up on naysayers who want to dig up what you did and You 1922. You gotta leave those people in the back. Get that noise up out of there, because you can't stay there. It's just like history. You can't stay where you are. You need to know about it, but you can't stay there. That's my word. that's the word it says. So this was a great conversation, Mr. Khaitzu It goes back to the, to the old days when it was just me and you. I know, we started out with just me and you, Yeah, it is full circle, full circle, baby. I G live with like three, three viewers. Those people were, they were, loyal. they were loyal. They were loyal. They were. Well, it's been a pleasure having this conversation with my boy Kai. And as always, thank you for listening. Don't forget to like and subscribe. And subscribe to us on YouTube as well as like, wherever you're listening to podcasts. And as always, I see you because I am you.